My armpits, clogged toilets, and Theseus and the Minotaur

"Do you ever get stage fright?"

That's what the girl with the blonde hair and the pink glasses asked me during a Q&A session after I finished performing the Perception vs. Reality show at her her elementary school. I thought about the question for a second and then said: "Not really." 

That wasn't good enough for her, so she probed me further. "What do you mean by that?"

Well, what I meant was "no, I don't get stage fright because there's no reason for me to get it. I've performed these shows hundreds of times, I've got them polished and as close to perfect as I can get. I know all the lines, all the beats, all the jokes, all the teaching points. I can do these shows in my sleep. Why would I get stage fright?"

Yeah, but that sounds oh so arrogant, doesn't it?

Instead, I said this: "Sometimes I'm frightened that I'm not wearing enough deodorant."

That got a laugh and the girl seemed satisfied. She sat down.

And I WAS telling the truth. I sweat a lot when I'm setting up my show. I have to put up a backdrop, get a heavy sound system in place, and generally fetch props out of six or seven different boxes before everything is exactly where it's supposed to be. I do a lot of running around for a good solid hour and I sweat while I do it and most of that sweat comes out of my armpits.

So I have trained myself to carry deodorant. Take a look in my magic supply bag and you'll find a fresh stick of Old Spice or Fresh-Gard or whatever you want to call it. I always apply immediately after setting up the show. Goodbye old onions from Subway, hello mountain spring.

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When a school books me, I offer three different shows for three different age levels. This means that I tend to spend an entire school day in one school. I like it that way. It's better than doing two schools in one day. I'm too old for that anyway.

 

Kids, as always, are unpredictable and this time around, I was treated to a southern Alberta version of Kids Say the Darndest Things. Here are some examples:

 

1. While doing the mental health awareness Magic show.

 

Steve: one of the things you need to do to look after your mental health is that you have to have a purpose in your life. When I say that, I mean that you have to have something in your life that makes you happy and makes the people you care about happy as well. It can be anything. It can be a sport, an activity, something you enjoy learning about, a relationship, a language, pretty much anything. Does anyone here think they might know what their purpose is?

 

Kid number one: hockey.

 

Steve: that’s a great purpose. Anyone else?

 

Kid number two: playing video games.

 

Steve: that’s also a great purpose. Anyone else?

 

Kid number three: clogging my friend’s toilet up with my poop.

 

Audience laughs.

 

Steve: okay…

 

Kid number three: his mom was so mad and said she’d have to call a plumber. She said she doesn’t want me over there anymore.

 

2. At the end of the mental health Magic show and all the kids are streaming out of the gymnasium. One kid sticks around to talk to me.

 

Kid: Mr. magician?

 

Steve: yes?

 

Kid: I have a question.

 

Steve: yes?

 

Kid: how come you didn’t pick me to be a volunteer?

 

Steve: well there were hundreds of kids in the gym and I only use about seven volunteers in the show. I’m sorry if you felt left out, but I can’t possibly pick everyone.

 

Kid: was it because I’m Chinese?

 

3. While doing my Picto Transpo routine in the Mental Health Awareness Show. I have gotten a picture of a lady on a drawing board and then I’m telling the audience how this lady feels about herself.

 

Steve: you see this lady suffers from depression, but you would never know it when you look at her. I asked this lady the other day to describe herself in one word and do you know what she said to me?

 

Audience: no.

 

Steve: she said that she would describe herself as useless

 

Nine-year-old girl in the front row: that’s what my dad calls me all the time.

 

4. Just finished doing the perception versus reality show. One girl sticks around to talk to me.

 

Girl: you know how when you did that routine where you were talking about if you could invite people from history, living or dead, to have a dinner party at your house?

 

Me: yes.

 

Girl: and you know how everybody was picking people like Martin Luther King and Winston Churchill and Harriet Tubman?

 

Me: yes.

 

Girl: I was going to hold up my hand and say Hitler

 

Me: why?

 

Girl: I just have a dark sense of humor. I told that to my friend who was sitting next to me and she laughed, but that’s because we both have the same sense of humor.

 

Me: well it’s a good thing that you didn’t say that

 

Girl: yeah, but then at the dinner party, I would’ve poisoned him so he’d never be able to do what he did.

Steve: have you read the dead zone?

 

Girl: what’s that?

 

Steve: never mind.

 

5. Before the show starts, kid in front row waving his hand frantically.

 

Steve: yes.

 

Kid: I just want you to know that I’m also a magician and you’re probably not gonna fool me with any of your magic tricks.

 

Steve: OK. That’s nice to know.

 

Kid: and if anybody here wants to know how any of his tricks are done, just ask me after the show and I’ll tell you.

 

Steve: would you like to do the show instead?

 

Kid: no, that’s okay.

 

6. While doing the Mental Health Awareness Magic Show. I am talking about the importance of balance, specifically the balance between group time and alone time. I tell the kids that everyone needs time by themselves (Axl Rose believes that) but we all need to be friends and family as well. I do a version of Metaphorpho Spots to illustrate this. I am standing on stage with two volunteers - one boy and one girl.

Steve: I am going to give you the white scarf. It's white because that's a bright colour like when you're outside with your friends and family and you can do something as a group. What is your favourite thing to do when you're with your friends and family?

Girl: Play games.

Steve: Awesome. (Turns to other volunteer.) And you are going to hold on to this black scarf. That represents the dark, like when you go into your room and turn off the lights so you can be alone. What is your favourite thing to do when you're all by yourself?

Boy: Play with myself.

- An uncomfortable pause -

Boy: I mean, play by myself.

Took the audience about five minutes to calm down.

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My last show was in a small town called High River.

One of my weaknesses as a performer is that I tend to talk too much. Mostly, I talk about the most boring subject imaginable, which is myself.

To stop this, I routinely ask my audience for their input. This might add time to the show but I think it's welcomed.

As I said earlier, I do a routine where I talk about people from history, living or dead, who I would most want to invite to my house for a dinner party. I have started getting my young audiences involved, asking them to name just one person they would invite. If it's a Catholic school, Jesus is going to come up pretty often. At public schools, I tend to get more athletes (Kobe Bryant, Johnny Gaudreau) or pop culture figures (Johnny Depp, Spongebob.)

At this particular school, one kid said Zeus. Another kid said Hercules. Another said Aphrodite. I looked at the teacher and asked if the kids were studying Greek mythology. Yes, she said. They were.

And you know what? Right there in the gymnasium of Joe Clark School, I had an epiphany about why these myths resonate with us. I'm not breaking new ground here - Joseph Campbell made a living writing about this very phenomenon - but I suspect it's because these myths are so ripe with symbolism.

My favourite Greek myth will always be the one about Theseus and the Minotaur, a monster with the body of a man but the head of a bull. Theseus is dispatched into a labyrinth to kill the Minotaur. He is assisted by his lady love, Ariadne, who holds a spool of thread at the entrance to the labyrinth. Theseus will unwind it as he ventures forth. Should he be successful in his quest, he will follow the thread back to the entrance so he can escape.

Sounds like something out of Dungeons & Dragons, but it's deeper than that. If you're like me, there's something big that you're trying to accomplish right now. That's why the myth works.

You're Theseus.

Killing the Minotaur is that thing you're trying to do.

The labyrinth are all the things standing in your way.

Ariadne is the one holding the thread and waiting for you.

I think that each of us is Theseus and each of us is Ariadne at various points in our lives. That should give us the motivation to get cracking.